Many times I have a “bad” day and I shake it off.
I’m one of those people that will audibly say, “Shake it off” and shake my shoulders, then set my mind on something else.
Today, there is no ability to verbalize or physically shake.
Today, I seriously feel like this is a top day in a never ending pile of similar days.
You know what I’m talking about.
When every single day is filled with, “I’m sorry”.
Not that others are sorry for their less than stellar actions-
But when you spend your time apologizing for your headache, your nausea, your fatigue.
You feel like you are the common thread of misery in the lives of your loved ones.
They all say it’s okay, but you innately know it isn’t.
You’re friends say they are sorry you feel like you do..
But you don’t even want to hear it.
You just want them to shut up and quit being so freaking nice.
You are angered because they can’t be sorry if they don’t even know or understand what is going on.
Some people try to sum it up by saying, “I’m sorry you feel bad”.
I DON’T FEEL BAD!
I AM A PERSON THAT FEELS GOOD INSIDE A DEFECTIVE BODY!!!
Of course, the shouting only exists inside my head.
Shouting would make my head ache worse.
So I mumble or moan something pacifying and go back into my zone.
The SERIOUSLY! Zone
Only a few people get to come into this zone with me.
I’m thinking of printing membership cards.
-Which is genius on my part!
Then, when someone asks how I am..and I know they are asking to be nice and really don’t care..
I can say, “Can I see your membership card?”
If they can’t present one in person or text me a photo..
They don’t get in- and I don’t even have to respond!
I am sure you are sitting there marveling at my genius..
OR you are sitting there thinking, “Not only do I not have a membership card, I don’t want one!”
And you know what…that is fine by me.
Very few people want to really walk the path of life with another person.
Some want to visit at convenient parts, but few want to get on the path and stay on the path.
I mean seriously.
Some people ask why I watch this show when I’m sad….
(You people…you don’t get a card either!)
Today, I was forced into a curb, popped a tire and spent all day at the car dealership getting a new one. Apparently, the Germans made sure no one else in Dallas carried my tires.
As I sat the the plush waiting room of Park Place Mercedes (which offered me computer access, but no iPhone charger..However-If I had a Samsung..I would be taken care of..seriously?),
my phone died..
and my adrenaline died down.
I’ve been extremely uncomfortable ever since..and there is no time for pain.
I have work to do, I have to go to work and I have a plane to catch.
Except for my night was spent, not preparing for these things, but in bed, with an icepack, taking Zofran like they are Skittles and slowly taking pain medications like I’m counting them with an abacus.
I slide two Ibuprofen and a Flexeril to one side…then swallow.
Two hours later… I slide over a Fioricet with an additional Tylenol…then swallow.
Then because of the caffeine, I’m wide awake..so thirty minutes later…I slide over two Valium (don’t get crazy..only 4 mg total)and a Tramadol….and swallow.
I add another Protandim..for no reason other than I figure my cells could use the help.
Third day in a row for prescription pain medications. I went five days in a row with none prior to this.
Two steps forward three steps back.
I remind myself of all the things I have to be grateful for…so along with the pain, I get to endure a hefty dose of guilt for being such a loser.
My Facebook app tells me I’ve got twenty-eight notifications.
Which means twenty-eight people that care enough to be a FB friend.
But not enough to be a real one.
I text the few remaining people in my life that have walked this path and stick around for more.
(and I love you guys like you would not believe)
There’s not much room left in my heart for the faint of heart, or the fair weather friends.
I want to see the membership card.
This is my life today. As, my husband sleeps, I stare at the wall.
Should I have gone to the emergency room? Who has time for that?
Tears roll down my cheeks.
I’m in the zone.
Yes, tomorrow will be better.
But it’s not tomorrow now.